Et lite barns store ansvar

Jeg har hatt søvnproblemer igjen, denne uka.  Tok tiltak på fredag, som gjorde det mulig å i det minste komme til stor familiemiddag hos farmor på lørdag.

Vi var ganske mange, men rett før middagen ble servert, så ville plutselig de to minste hjem til far.  Det vil si, deres mormor hadde fått beskjed av deres far at hun måtte spørre dem etter en viss tid om de ville hjem, og selv om minstejenta koste seg med dukker og kjørte vogn gjennom kjøkkenet med spørsmål om når maten var ferdig (om ca. 5 minutter), så sa storebror umiddelbart at han ville hjem. Lillesøster ville såklart det samme da hun hørte at storebroren skulle bli hentet av far før middag.  Storebror er en stille gutt som helst vil sitte stille med seg selv og et nettbrett, så det er ikke veldig overraskende at han heller vil sitte hjemme enn å spise middag med stor familiesamling.  Det er allikevel ganske synd at han aldri engang får prøve, når han alltid får prakket på seg valg han egentlig er litt for ung for.  Det er ikke et barns ansvar å velge familiesamvær. Det er en fordel om barnet får si sin mening, og blir hørt og respektert. Alle barn burde bli hørt og respektert, men det er ikke et barns ansvar å måtte velge.

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Grunnen til at hele denne saken er så skuffende at jeg endte opp med å skrive den ned, er fordi eldstebroren til de to småbarna var på besøk denne helgen.  Han bor nå i Oslo, og han får derfor bare møtt sine små halvsøsken de få helgene han er på besøk her sør.  Han vil gjerne møte dem så ofte som mulig, men er ikke komfortabel med å oppholde seg hos deres far eller besteforeldre (såvidt jeg har forstått, jeg skal ikke putte ord i munnen hans som jeg aldri har hørt svart på hvitt).  Ettersom mors familie er minst like stor, med mange besteforeldre (og en oldemor) og tanter som også gjerne vil se småbarna oftere enn en gang i måneden eller så, så burde det jo ikke passet for dårlig at de kom oftere på besøk til oss.  Eller, virker dette urimelig for en utenforstående?  Jeg vet ikke, jeg sitter jo teknisk sett midt oppi hele surret, som selv er en av tantene.  Jeg synes ihvertfall det er trist å se min kjære farmor gå uke etter uke og lure på når hun neste gang får se oldebarna sine.  Hun orker nesten ikke ringe etter dem lenger heller, ettersom hun fort føler seg påtrengende og masete, og ofte har blitt vagt avvist som barnepasser.  Og jeg synes det er trist at barnas storebror nesten aldri får sett dem lenger, når omstendighetene slår seg sammen og gjør ting såpass vanskelig for alle sammen.  Men, hva vet jeg;  Jeg er jo bare en tante.

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It’s spider season.
I find at least one big one every day or so, and several smaller ones regularly.
I vacuumed four just now, crawling in through my window and down the wall next to me.
I hate this season.
Best weather, worst side-effects.
I really detest spiders.

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Anxiety disorders are horrible, especially when they may actually become worse with time. Which mine are, slowly and steadily. It’s becoming crippling to my overall well-being, although still on a level I am able to hide well from my surroundings (which becomes much easier when I isolate myself from said surroundings a lot more than before).  I quit my MA degree halfway through, I am unable to get a steady job/income, and I live alone in a tiny basement. I`m not saying that I suffer continuously, but that I know within myself that things could be better. I used to be healthier; Maybe even happier. The worst part, I think, is that it all seems impossible to break out of, because I don’t know if it is possible.  (And no one can tell me otherwise and have me trust their word).

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This was a great video about the subject.

Why I`m bored

You wanna know why I am bored?  I am bored because I sort of kind of want to play more of the crappy PC-game I`ve been wasting my time on for the past week or so.  But I know it is a waste of time, and I know it is time badly spent.  I know that I should not play games or waste my time (especially on such a low-quality old-timer as that one).  I should feel bad for wasting so much time on doing nothing, instead of going out to do something and changing the world etc.  I should feel bad for wanting to waste my own time.  And thus I am stuck here, feeling bad for wanting to do something entertaining for myself but unable to do so, and thus feeling bad for just sitting here doing nothing at all.

2. juni 2011 034

02.06.2011

Dentistry

This post contains several references to the Harry Potter universe, because I needed to vent my pained feelings to somebody who would know what I meant when I use the Cruciatus curse to describe a particular kind of pain. 

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I was at the dentist’s some 12 hours ago, and fixed three more molars* (whole bottom jaw has now been tortured through), and now only have two more appointments to go before I am hopefully out of that office for YEARS to come (unlike previous years, with all the breaking and cracking of molars**).  The local anesthetic*** lasts for about 5-6 hours, and I started to feel tiny twinges of pain in the middle molar (of those fixed) around that time. “Oh no”, I think to myself, as I have already gone through more than a month of not being able to chew properly with the left side of my mouth because of similar pains in the opposite molar, “Good thing I`m going back there tomorrow anyway”.  After a few hours of small twinges now and then, there’s a slight pause. “It’s over!” I hope. And then the mother of all pains shoots through my tooth, and it is like being hit with the Cruciatus curse for a millisecond before being almost immediately let go again.  And as you stand there, trying to catch your breath, someone hits you again, and even though you were merely hit by the curse for a millisecond, you can feel the ghost of the pain shooting through your whole body, immobilizing you before turning you into a quivering mess, anxiously waiting for the next twinge.  Sometimes a few minutes pass inbetween, sometimes almost an hour. Maybe you start to forget. And then it hits you again; A short burst each time, but it’s enough to drive you mad.

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*  Including a couple of baby teeth, as I have 2 of those instead of proper teeth because my body is stupid.
**  Seriously, I was breaking whole teeth once a week for a while!
***  Not mentioned: My crippling needle phobia and how I have bravely (and less bravely) defied it more times during the past three months than the Potters defied Voldemort.

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PS:  My dentist is new (to me) and he is infinitely better than my many other ones, even though he always insists on sticking a needle in me.  At least he does a proper job, even IF my nerves end up being effed up in the process. ;_;
PPS:  I am going back tomorrow to fix yet another tooth, and HOPEFULLY I can get something done. But if it is anything like the left side, it cannot be fixed. I`d rather lose my whole tooth than go on for days (or MORE??) with this.
PPPS:  I am not writing this to get pity, it was quite therapeutic to just get it out in writing.  I just really needed someone to understand what I mean when I describe a tooth ache by using the Cruciatus curse.

I totally forgot to post this.

This is my reply when step-sis decides to send me a snapchat of her slightly messy room after packing to go to France or something fancy like that.

I have no sympathy.  I live in the basement!

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